Stella deems 2008 the Year of Growing Up
I’m not sure why I haven’t written. It’s not like nothing’s happened- and yet, it seems like nothing has.
I’m in my second-to-last quarter of college now. I graduate in less than six months. Isn’t that crazy? I mean, it’s it just mind-blowing? The sum of sixteen years’ worth of work, all coming down to this last stretch, this last sprint towards… another race. From a 5k into a marathon.
I’m beginning to get nervous. I mean, I’ve lived in this bubble for so long. This is safe, this is what I know. And now I’m about to be pushed out of that; it’s almost like a rebirth of sorts. I’m leaving the womb. Oh goodness, how’s that for dramatic?
But in all seriousness- what’s a girl to do? Find a job, like normal people do. I’m flirting with the idea of returning to Paris, but God and I have an understanding. If I win Jeopardy! and can pay off my student loans, then I’ll go again. It doesn’t take a lot of convincing, but there are always material limitations to just about everything.
I’ve been looking at jobs here, too. Here being in the States, and not in Paris. Here really meaning there, in New York or Boston. Cincinnati has grown too small for me- the ceilings are too low, the space too confining. What I miss about Paris is the potential. I need to breath that again.
Oh, I want to live. I want to really live, to be Vibrant. I have dreams that are more like feelings; nothing concrete, but something to aspire to all the same. To be warm, welcoming, successful, creative, expressive, Parisian, beautiful, wise, womanly, strong, independent, self-actualized, published, delicate, styled, poised, charming, modest, terrifying, exciting.
I just finished a rough story arc. It’s the first time I’ve ever completed something. The first time that all of the pieces of ideas that come to me have fit together in a way that makes sense, a way that I can follow. It’s a simple story- maybe predictable, but I don’t think so. But I’m proud of it, I’m proud of myself, and I want to put flesh and blood and nerve to these bones.
Oh I want so very much. And I don’t think it’s impossible to garner. I don’t want to fear failure, but I can’t help it. What if it’s all in vain? I can’t help but wonder. What if the past four years and the $20,000 isn’t worth it in the end?
But it will be. It must be.
